when you are not enough...

I teach children with special needs - right now I have a small class of early elementary students with moderate-severe learning disabilities, autism and other diagnosis. I love my work. It is hard, but it's rewarding and never, ever boring. (Some days I wish it was a little bit more boring.)

Recently two of my students transferred to smaller classes in specialized high need schools. My classroom wasn't able to meet their needs, and so after many discussions and evaluations and paperwork and meetings, their parents choose alternate schools for their children.

One of my assistants was getting emotional about having to say goodbye a student. She felt like she had failed as an educator because she couldn't help this child be a part of our school community. I told her, "Sometimes our jobs as teachers is realizing that we are not enough."

My advice to my assistant has been ringing in my ears a bit this week. I've definitely internalized this message as a professional. Sometimes I can't reach a kid, can't get them to behave safely or positively, can't meet their academic or emotional needs. Then I rationally and patiently (oh, so patiently) get the ball rolling to have them transferred. I'm okay with not being enough for all kids, at work.

But, as a mother... have I recognized that sometimes I'm not enough for my children?

I know I'm my children's second choice. As an adoptive parent you have to walk onto this path with your eyes open, or you will stumble immediately. If my children could choose, they would probably choose not to have lost their mother and be moved halfway across the world to live with a couple of white people. I'm okay with this.

So this week I'm working on fully accepting this clear fact: I'm not always enough for my children. 

I can't show my Black son how to grow up to be a strong, confident Black man.

But I can make sure he attends sports and arts programs with black teachers and coaches.

I can't show my African daughter how to become a beautiful, confident African woman.

But I can make sure she attends a school with African-American teachers and leaders.

I can't teach my children about their Ethiopian heritage.

But we can travel to Ethiopia as often as possible, and fill our home with objects, books, music and images from their homeland. 

L with her Ethiopian sister, 2014.

Our children come to us with their own set of challenges and skill sets. Sometimes a tennis star is born or adopted into a family of book worms. Sometimes an opera singer is born or adopted into a family with tin ears.

None of us is ever really enough for our children, no matter if they look just like us and have the same hobbies and interests and skills. We are hardwired to make connections outside of our families and to strive to move out into the wider world.

Sometimes it can be hard to admit that our children need something we can't provide. Maybe we can't supply breast milk. Maybe we can't supply advice about same-sex relationships or how to play the violin. Sometimes our kids need a specialized, high need special education with teams of teachers, therapists and specialists. It is really hard to admit that out loud. I know, I've been in those meetings.

It's okay not be enough. Sometimes our job as parents is to recognize that we need to find someone (or something) else to meet our kids' needs. And then go find it.

Trusting the Mom-stinct, part 2

I'm a public school teacher. I attended public schools through high school. I'm a proud union member. I believe in public schools for all, and think that our education system should be expanded and improved and strengthened, not hemmed in by charters and voucher programs.

However.

Our daughter attends private school.

Parenthood = it's complicated.

Last summer my mom-stincts went into red alert mode over Lily's schooling. I just could not rid myself of the pit in my stomach that seemed to be shouting at me- "She needs something different!!!"

Our daughter is a very bright, energetic and fearless child. Those are AWESOME qualities, but they didn't really jell with the traditional school that she had been attending until this year. Also, she was the only African-American girl in her grade. (and it's a big school) There was plenty of diversity- a majority of kids of color- just not her (beautiful) color. And she felt it. She was very vocal about feeling alone with her identity and she was having a hard time making good friends. Anywhere we went, she gravitated towards other African-American girls, even getting total stranger's phone numbers so that she should set up playdates with girls she met in the local park.

So, we needed a change. Unfortunately, the way that our city's schools system is set up, you really can't just go to any school you like.  Our local school is, frankly, terrible. Better schools in our area were over crowded and unlikely to take in a non-local kid.

Did I mention that this mom-stinct panic set in... last AUGUST? Uh-huh, I was a little slow on the uptake on that one.

Luckily for us, the lovely little Christian school that Lily had attended for nursery- Pre-K has an elementary academy, and very luckily for us, they had an opening in the 2nd grade.

So we found ourselves, just 3 days before school started, scrambling to take the entrance exam, fill out  forms, buying uniforms and supplies, transferring records and figuring out how we were finding the tuition fees in our budget.

Lily didn't take too well to the news that we were moving her to a new school. I believe there was some thrashing on the floor involved. But when we went to pick up her new gym uniform, and she saw the snazzy zip up jacket it came with, she was on board.

Fashion. Not unimportant to 7 year olds.

So here we are: I'm a Unitarian, public school loving, progressive education proponent hippie dippy mom sending her kid to a West-Indian, Christian, traditional, no-nonsense, uniform wearing school.

And it was, by far, the best decision we have made as parents so far.

She is thriving. She has an African-American teacher and principal. She is friends with everyone. She has zoomed up to the top of the class and loves it!

Thank you, mom-stincts. I promise to listen to you better in future.

the children will lead us...

I'm about to use a lot of all caps. I'm sorry. I'm fired up.

I've been thinking a lot about teenagers lately. I have my own teen, as of a few weeks ago. (Okay, not literally, but he's 11 going on 17, so it counts.) But besides the fun first world problems of dealing with zits, phone limits and texting ettiquite, our teens have some serious stuff to contend with.

They live in a country in which they are regulary the targets of madmen with guns. They live in a country piled to the sky with deadly weapons. They live in a country in which politicians, with STRAIGHT FACES, say to them, "well there is just nothing we can do" about gun violence.  Or, my personal favorite, "We should arm the teachers!"

As a teacher of nearly 20 years, I can say with certainty that is the stupidest idea ever, in the history of man. (Yes, MAN. This is (one of the many, many reasons) why we need more women in government.)

Arm teachers!? I can't even answer that without cursing. I sometimes have to hide my PENCILS because my students with special needs use them aggressively (and I teach elementary school). You think I'd let a DEADLY WEAPON in my room? You are out of your mind. And also, since when did it become my job to be a first responder or an armed guard? Protecting our lives is YOUR JOB POLITICIANS. And you are failing miserably, by every measure, in every way. DO YOUR JOB.

My job is to teach kids how to read and add. Your job is to legislate public safety. Clear?

It's been a tough week (year? decade?). But I have hope, I have a glimmer of hope, and so should you, because these teens, these kids who have been practicing red alert drills and lock down procedures and hiding under desks and in closets on the regular for years... they are fed up. They know how to use twitter and give interviews to CNN and they are ORGANIZING.

Here are three events already planned for the coming weeks,  planed and led by young people:


April 20th: School Walkout (to coincide with the anniversary of Columbine)

https://twitter.com/schoolwalkoutUS

March 12th: School Walkout, supported by the Women's March.

https://www.womensmarch.com/empower/

March 24: March on Washington

https://www.marchforourlives.com



And you know what else, in a couple of years these sophomores and seniors will be VOTING CITIZENS. So let's get out of the way and let the children lead. They might just save us all.

A steely anniversary.

This weekend was Andrew and my 11th wedding anniversary. I always love to look up the traditional wedding gifts for anniversaries. They are so funny and old fashioned. Last year, our 10th, was the "tin" anniversary. So I got him a key chain with a dime inscribed with our initials and wedding date (Thank you, etsy.com!). He got me tin wind chimes. (Then we argued for a few weeks about whether the chimes were too loud for the neighbors and should we hang them and where... they now live inside on our back door. LOL marriage.)

The traditional 11th anniversary gift is... steel. 10th is tin, 11th is steel. At first I thought, that's weird, it should be the other way around? I mean, isn't steel stronger and more valuable than tin? But upon reflection... it makes sense. 10 is a special, fun, look we did it! anniversary.  But 11- now you are in the thick of your marriage. You've (probably) been forged by some challenges. You've been tested and sharpened. Also, probably, those knives you got as a wedding present need to be updated.

So we celebrated our anniversary in very thick of marriage way (after farming out the kids to the grandparents. Thanks mom and dad!). We had a lovely little dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. We took a nap. (ah, the luxury.) We paid some bills and took care of some household chores. Mostly, we just hung out and enjoyed the quiet. We didn't need big gifts (although we could use some new knives...). We didn't need a lot of noise or big plans. Just us, and some quiet on a steely winter weekend. It was perfect.

Happy Anniversary honey. 

teendom: I get it now...

Fellow moms, it's all happened to us. An older mom/grandma sees you with your adorable young children and says with a sigh, "oh, treasure every moment my dear".

And you look at her like, Is she NUTS?! Treasure the spit up on my blouse, the dark bags under my eyes, the fights with my husband because neither one of us is rational with no sleep, the filth of my house and the tantrums, treasure the tantrums!?

Sigh. Treasure those moments, my dears. Treasure them. Because one day your tantruming snot nosed toddler will be a snotty mouthed, door slamming TWEEN.

Moms: my son is a teenager. Like, for reals. The signs have been there for months, but lately they are unmistakable

Sign 1: He's really, really interested in how he looks. No more wearing whatever mom got on sale at Target or the local thrift store. Nope, no, no way. His look is highly personalized, involves carefully considered (and expensive!) clothing and accessories and his favorite shirt which must be worn nearly every day, so get going on that laundry woman. (Also we now shop in the men's department because he towers over most grown people at age 11 because life is not even a little bit fair.)

Sign 2: Grooming. Oh, the grooming. This child, with whom a year ago I battled with to take a weekly shower, now has his own personal soaps, creams and potions, and will spend upwards of an hour in a steamy bathroom primping himself. And then leave the bathroom a sodden, disgusting mess.

Sign 3: His phone addiction. The phone (which you got him for SAFETY, right, ha ha.) is now an extension of him. He'll forget his homework, his name, any number of chores, his keys, but he will always know where that phone is. Prying out of his clutches is now a daily chore which both of us loathe.

There are other signs of course. You were all teens, use your imagination. All I can say is, I hug my 7 year old baby girl a lot tighter these days. I'm drinking in her sweet, sassy little self that I can still pick up. I'm relishing her 100 times daily "hey mom, guess what!?" I'm saying yes anytime she "needs a snuggle".

Because in 4 years, that child will give me nothing but back talk and slammed doors. Lord, have mercy. I'm not handing this well, not at all. I know I should "have some chill" as my teen says. I know I should great his grumps with humor and his curses with calm. I'm sorry, I'm new at this parenting teens thing I my chill is red hot.  It's hard. It's really hard to see your once adorable boy turn into a surly mess. I know he's riding the hormone roller coaster and his frontal lobe is not operational yet, but sometimes I was to yell, "what are you doing, are you stupid!?".

Teens make a lot of really, really dumb decisions. They are like toddlers but with Internet access and biceps. And they spend most of their time with other dumb teens which can't help.

So here I am, digging down into the trenches of teen parenting. Reading his text messages and trying not to correct his spelling. Cringing at the social awkwardness and the walking into messes and grimacing through the yo-mama jokes and the loudness. Limiting his screen time and trying to loosen the reigns. Two steps into freedom and three steps back into limits again.

Nobody is really enjoying this and we are all just hoping to get through to the other side intact. Occasionally there are beautiful glimpses of the responsible, warm hearted, funny young man he will be in just a few years.  Then he starts burping the alphabet.

Post #300

well, hello there. It's been awhile. My last post was nearly a year ago, titled "things I suck at mom-ing". Add "mommy-blogging" to that list, please.

It's been quite a year, hasn't it friends? Feels like an eternity, and the weeks still stretch before us, no doubt filled with a similar combination of soul crushing news, "un-precedented" scandals, political nonsense, cultural nonsense, and the daily fear of is this it? It THIS the thing that will kill us all, or bring down the White House, the government, the who knows what?

I feel like I've been waiting for the other shoe (bomb) to drop for over a year now.
I'm exhausted. Are you?

And yet still, life goes on. My children grow older. We buy a new piece of furniture, we go on vacation, we do laundry, we pay bills... Amazingly, astonishingly, Life continues to move forward. It is relentless - Life's ability to keep going on.

I don't know about you, but there have been many, many days in the past year when I wanted to lie down and just say, ok. Enough. Just stop, World. It is too much. Too much suffering, too much violence, too many lives being cut short for NOTHING.

And yet. And yet. Babies keep being born. People fall in love. Kindergarten kids go to the first day of school with sharped pencils and brand new backpacks.

We hold on to each other, because what else can we do?

We tell our stories, because what else can we do?

If there are glimmers of hope, and I believe that there are, (I must be optimistic, because what is the alternative?), then they are in the stories. The stories finally being told by people long silenced.

By women. All those women who finally brought down serial sexual abusers, harassers, tormentors. (Although not the Harasser-In-Chief. NOT YET.)  I have thought, many times in the past 6 months "Is this it? Is this the patriarchy being brought down?" I cried over Oprah's "Times Up" speech. I cried over all the horrid, horrible "me too" stories. I remembered all the me-too moments in my friends and in my own life. All those stupid, ridiculous things we put up with, the lies we told to dates to get home safely, "Oh, my roommate is home sick!" ( I lived alone), the keys we gripped between our fingers while walking home after dark... all of it. Enough.

By people of color. My son (now 11, and a FULL TEENAGER but that is another post), is going to see Black Panther tomorrow with his 1/2 African cousin and his full Ghanaian uncle- who will be wearing royal African garb because it's BLACK PANTHER so. bow. down!  Let this movie be the gates to the flood of stories told by, about, and to people of ALL the colors. It's time.

By LGBTQ folk. By immigrants. By victims of violence. By ex-felons. By Muslims.

Yes, to all it. We Americans have been deluded that we share the same story- some silly nonsense about "pulling up our bootstraps" and "chopping down cherry trees." We were taught that only one kind of person mattered (If I hear ONE MORE PUNDIT TALK ABOUT "WHITE WORKING CLASS MALE VOTERS"!)

It's not true. We are a nation of a million stories, and they all matter.

We need to tell our stories. We need to listen to each other. We need to believe each other.

Then, maybe, maybe, we can create the nation in which we ALL can live, in peace.